In retrospect, of course, I should have seen it coming. I hadn’t been feeling well for months; my appetite and sleep on a steady decline. A persistent feeling of impending doom. Frequent outbursts of panic-fueled crying. The night of March 29th, lying in my bed, inconsolable, wanting to not be here anymore. Waking up the next morning feeling worse. I couldn’t bear to be on this planet for one more second feeling this way. Fantasizing about the narcotics in my night table drawer, left over from surgery. A Google search: how many would I need to just make it all stop?

[caption id="attachment_20390" align="alignleft" width="295"]486870_10151211553601357_1290598133_n When it began. That's me on the left.[/caption] When I was a kid, I couldn’t go to sleep unless I completed a very specific set of nightly routines. I was inexplicably terrified of water dripping from the bathroom tap, so I worked at tightening the faucet until I was sure I was safe. The bathroom light switch had to be flicked on and off exactly 10 times. Each item on my shelves and desk needed to be perfectly aligned and I felt compelled to yell, “Goodnight Ma!”, from my bed at least a dozen times.

I have to say I am extremely lucky to have a close group of friends.  I  met my friends at different stages throughout my life.  I have close friends who I've known for over 30 years, friends who I met throughout my teenage years and friends who I  met through my children. The older I get I realize that it isn't the quantity of friends you have but the quality of friends.  Over the last several months, I have truly seen the importance of having friends.  My friends are people who I can rely on and friends who have been there through my highs and my lows.

[caption id="attachment_21030" align="alignleft" width="300"]www.christinaestebanphotography.com He didn't freak out![/caption] A few weeks ago, I published a blog I’d written about my fight against anxiety and depression. I’d actually written the post a couple of months before it went online, around the time of Robin William’s tragic death. It hung around in the back end of WordPress for a while until I found the nerve to put it out there for the world, or at least the West Island, to see.