I have been going back and forth in my mind as to whether or not I should write this…..whether this is too revealing…..whether I should take the lid off this box of emotions that I have been desperately trying to keep under control for so long. But I’m tired of keeping it together, of pretending that I’m strong, when on the inside, I feel like I’m crumbling.
And although my son is my world, my desire for another baby fills me with a constant feeling of longing.
Longing to be pregnant, longing to have another life grow inside of me, longing to give my son a sibling.
We have “unexplained infertility”, which is seriously beyond frustrating. We’ve done every test, I’ve been poked and prodded, my husband has had to shamelessly provide countless little cups of sperm in that nasty little room at the end of the hall. And yet, everything appears normal, there is no tangible medical evidence that could explain why month after month, my womb remains empty.
After a year of trying the old-fashioned way, my son was conceived via intrauterine insemination, which is a relatively painless, straight-forward procedure whereby my husband’s sperm is placed into my uterus at the exact time of ovulation. It wasn’t very romantic but it worked on the first shot. I remember feeling so grateful that I was not one of those hopeless looking women in the waiting room with desperation written all over my face.
So when it came time for my husband and I to try for a second baby, I never imagined it was going to be this challenging.
The success that we had conceiving my son left me with a hopeful optimism. But after three failed IUI attempts and two IVF cycles, that optimism is slowly being crushed and is being replaced by doubt, disappointment, anger and utter exasperation.
It’s hard for me to truly describe the effect that infertility has had on my life, on my relationship with my husband, on my self-esteem, on my relationships with friends, on my overall emotional state of mind.
It has infiltrated my world. It has taken me on this horrible emotional roller coaster that I am desperate to get off of.
It has created a feeling of helplessness within me. It has robbed me of my sense of control.
Infertility feels unfair. And there are days when I am filled with envy when I see a pregnant woman on the street. But in order to survive this struggle, I have realized that I cannot allow it to overtake me. Each day, I make a conscious effort to NOT go to the dark side, to focus on the good in my life and to be grateful for my son who truly is a miracle. And there are some days when I allow myself to indulge in some self-pity and to sit with that feeling of longing and to just be sad, or angry or pissed off.
Will my husband and I have another child? Will I have the privilege of feeling that little flutter in my belly again? Will my little boy have the chance to be the amazing big brother that I know he can be? Unfortunately, I’m not sure what the future has in store for me. I am so lucky to have been able to experience the joy of being a mother. And lately I have been thinking that if it ends up being just the three of us, that will be enough for me. But for now, I remain one of those women in the waiting room, filled with anticipation and yearning.