Infertility: A Constant Sense of Longing

I have been going back and forth in my mind as to whether or not I should write this…..whether this is too revealing…..whether I should take the lid off this box of emotions that I have been desperately trying to keep under control for so long. But I’m tired of keeping it together, of pretending that I’m strong, when on the inside, I feel like I’m crumbling.

SONY DSCMy husband and I have been struggling with infertility for almost two years now.

And although my son is my world, my desire for another baby fills me with a constant feeling of longing.

Longing to be pregnant, longing to have another life grow inside of me, longing to give my son a sibling.

We have “unexplained infertility”, which is seriously beyond frustrating. We’ve done every test, I’ve been poked and prodded, my husband has had to shamelessly  provide countless little cups of sperm in that nasty little room at the end of the hall.  And yet, everything appears normal, there is no tangible medical evidence that could explain why month after month, my womb remains empty.

After a year of trying the old-fashioned way, my son was conceived via intrauterine insemination, which is a relatively painless, straight-forward procedure whereby my husband’s sperm is placed into my uterus at the exact time of ovulation.  It wasn’t very romantic but it worked on the first shot.  I remember feeling so grateful that I was not one of those hopeless looking women in the waiting room with desperation written all over my face.

So when it came time for my husband and I to try for a second baby, I never imagined it was going to be this challenging.

The success that we had conceiving my son left me with a hopeful optimism.  But after three failed IUI attempts and two IVF cycles, that optimism is slowly being crushed and is being replaced by doubt, disappointment, anger and utter exasperation.

It’s hard for me to truly describe the effect that infertility has had on my life, on my relationship with my husband, on my self-esteem, on my relationships with friends, on my overall emotional state of mind.

It has infiltrated my world.  It has taken me on this horrible emotional roller coaster that I am desperate to get off of.

It has created a feeling of helplessness within me.  It has robbed me of my sense of control.

Infertility feels unfair.  And there are days when I am filled with envy when I see a pregnant woman on the street.  But in order to survive this struggle, I have realized that I cannot allow it to overtake me.  Each day, I make a conscious effort to NOT go to the dark side, to focus on the good in my life and to be grateful for my son who truly is a miracle. And there are some days when I allow myself to indulge in some self-pity and to sit with that feeling of longing and to just be sad, or angry or pissed off.

Will my husband and I have another child? Will I have the privilege of feeling that little flutter in my bellyinfertil again? Will my little boy have the chance to be the amazing big brother that I know he can be?  Unfortunately, I’m not sure what the future has in store for me.  I am so lucky to have been able to experience the joy of being a mother.  And lately I have been thinking that if it ends up being just the three of us,  that will be enough for me.  But for now, I remain one of those women in the waiting room, filled with anticipation and yearning.

 

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8 Comments

  • I was so sorry to read your post, however I want to tell you that you are not alone and to not give up. For me they called it secondary infertility ( also no reasoning) and I tried different forms of fertility treatments and was bruised all over from acupuncture (done weekly For fertility). It was only after a death in the family and me taking some time off from all the treatments, workouts and special diets that we got pregnant. We put so much pressure on ourselves that some times we need to stop and remember to breath. People would say well at least you had one child but I wanted so much for my daughter to have a sibling that I felt I was failing her. Thank you for sharing your story I am sure it will help other people who are in the same situation – and I wish you so much luck!!!! I also hope your blog teaches people to stop asking when is the next baby coming? Why are you waiting so long to get pregnant? (One person had the audacity to tell me I wasn’t being fair to my daughter waiting so long). Weekly I would get asked theses questions and I would never know what to say I would just try to hold back the tears.

    • Sap- thank you so much for your comments. I’m so happy to hear that things worked out for you. You’re right, we do put alot of pressure on ourselves and the whole process is so stressful and uncomfortable and emotionally draining. I totally identify with you surrounding others asking about me having a second baby. Although I’m sure they are coming from a good place, when you’re dealing with infertility, such questions can feel invasive and insensitive. Keeping my fingers crossed and my head held high!!

  • So brave of you Steph to lay it all out there for everyone to read. Even though I don’t know what you are going through the longing to want a child for a Mom is universal.
    You are an amazing Mom and Wife, stay strong and it will come in whatever way it chooses present itself.
    Logan will one day be the big brother he was meant to be, and he will be amazing like his parents! 🙂 xoxo

  • Steph,
    I want to tell you that you are not alone.
    As my eyes swell up with tears, I too am going through the exact same thing as you.
    It’s as if you were writing about me.
    We both have to be grateful that we have our loggies!!!
    If you ever need to talk I’m here for you❤️

    • Although it helps to know i’m not alone, I’m so sorry you’re going through this too Jessica. Yes, thankfully we have our precious Logans :))) thanks for your support, if you ever want to vent or speak to someone who knows exactly what you’re going through, let me know. Take care, good luck!!!